The Truth Behind the Lies Behind Harry Potter
by Zephdae
Summary: This was cowritten by Loppy Nematoad. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are interviewed while under the influence of Veritaserum. It's a rather strange fic and a definite waste of time.


AN: Here we are again. *Reader screams in terror* Yes, be afraid. Be very afraid. Our victim this time? Harry Potter. *evil grin* We do not own Harry Potter or any of his friends, but we like to think we do so we can make fools out of them. We do, however, own the Reporter. So don't steal him. (We love him! And so does Hermione, but you have to read on to find out about that. *wink wink*)  
  
The Truth Behind The Lies Behind Harry Potter and Friends  
  
(Set in a small, whitewashed room with the reporter sitting behind a small desk.)  
  
Reporter: So. I have you three here today to find out...the truth.  
  
Hermione: The truth behind what?! We don't have anything to hide.  
  
Ron: We don't?  
  
Hermione: Shut up, Ron!  
  
(Harry elbows Ron. Hard.)  
  
Reporter: The truth behind the books. You know, the things Rowling didn't mention...  
  
Harry (coughs): What do you mean? Everything that happened appeared in Harry Potter and the Mystical City.  
  
Reporter: What's that? There's no book called that?  
  
Harry (has a hacking fit): Oh. Well. My mistake. (Coughs.)  
  
Hermione: Yeah, well. (She looks apologetically at the reporter.) You know, that scar kind of messed with his brains. But, yeah... (She trails off when she sees the look on Harry's face.)  
  
Reporter: Well, none of that matters, since I have explicit permission from the Ministry of Magic...to give you...this! (Reporter pulls out small vial.)  
  
Harry (swallowing nervously): That's not... It isn't...  
  
Hermione: But that's not fair! You're not allowed to use that! I'll not drink it!  
  
Ron: Whoa, whoa! (Has a confused look on his face.) What are you all talking about?  
  
Hermione: Oh, Ron... (She trails off.)  
  
Reporter (with a wicked grin): This...is Veritaserum.  
  
Harry (in a hoarse voice): I think I'm sick. (Coughs.) I need to go to Madame Pomfrey.  
  
Ron (Recoils so much, he flips over his chair, screaming.): OH MY GOD! NO, NOT THAT! (He pauses.) Wait, what is it?  
  
(Hermione rolls her eyes and sighs loudly.)  
  
Harry: Ron, didn't you read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? It's all in there, Ron.  
  
Ron: You're probably the only one who read it. And, what is this?  
  
Reporter (licking lips): Veritaserum...a truth potion.  
  
Ron: Damn!  
  
Hermione: SHUT UP!  
  
(Harry elbows Ron again.)  
  
Reporter: So, if you'll all take a few drops of this potion--  
  
Harry (screaming): I'm not taking that!!  
  
Hermione: Me neither!  
  
Ron (sitting and staring into space, and notices them all staring at him.) What?  
  
Harry: Aren't you going to complain? Don't you remember that...thing...with- -  
  
Hermione and Ron: OH CRAP!  
  
Harry (strained whisper): Yeah.  
  
Hermione (moaning): Oh, we're so dead!  
  
Reporter (grinning in anticipation): Oh, this is gonna be sweet... Anyway, if you don't take the potion, you all go to Azkaban! I have authorization. (Forces potion down Harry's, Hermione's, and Ron's throats.)  
  
Harry (choking): Gack! Ha-ha-ha-ghahack.  
  
Hermione: AHH! NO, NO... ACK!  
  
Ron (licking his lips): Yum.  
  
(After recovering, Hermione leans over to Ron and smacks him.)  
  
Reporter: So...Harry--  
  
Harry (getting up and making a break for the door): Uh, uh, I, uh, gotta go, I'm, uh, celebrating Christmas with the, uh, Dursleys, uh...  
  
Reporter: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Harry. You would never willingly go to the Dursleys. Beside, it's March. Now, it'll just be a few more moments before the potion takes hold...  
  
(Harry sighs and sits back down.)  
  
Reporter: So Harry. Could you describe the feeling of flying as Seeker on the best Quidditch team in the school.  
  
Harry: Um. Well. That's sort of difficult.  
  
Ron: He's never flied! He had a stuntdouble. He's so accident prone, it woud just be crash and burn! (He looks pleased with himself.)  
  
(Harry and Hermione are moaning with their heads in their hands.)  
  
Reporter: What? You've never flown? But...but...well who's your double? He should be the real Harry Potter.  
  
Harry (shrugs): Oh, some Gryffindor named Daniel Radcliffe. But him? As Harry Potter? He looks nothing like me. Besides, he could never face the Dark Lord five times and still be alive.  
  
Hermione: Well, Harry, you never really, erm. (Coughs.)  
  
Harry: Well thanks, Hermione. And I almost got out of that, too.  
  
Hermione: Sorry, I'm under a truth potion here!  
  
Reporter: Harry? You...never fought You-Know-Who?  
  
Harry: Well, it's a delicate matter... There're a lot of complications... But in a word, er, no.  
  
Ron: Really? (He looks suprised.)  
  
Hermione: Duh Ron, you were there.  
  
Ron: Oh yeah.  
  
Reporter: But...in you first year...  
  
Harry: Oh, that. Well, what happened was, I drank the potion and went back to get Dumbledore, and Hermione, well...  
  
Reporter (turns to look at Hermione disbelievingly): You defeated He-Who- Must-Not-Be Named?  
  
Hermione (blushing, and trying to look modest): Yeah, well, everyone knew I was the smartest one. I just took over.  
  
Ron: Who says you're the smartest one?  
  
Hermione: Well, everyone!  
  
Ron:What if I want to be the smartest one?  
  
Hermione: You can't just decide to be the smartest one!  
  
Ron: Why not?  
  
Hermione: Oh, just shut up!  
  
Reporter: But...how did you...? Harry had the protection of his mother's love.  
  
Hermione: Maybe he does, but he's a coward, so it doesn't even matter!  
  
Harry (starting to protest, but then realizes it's true): Hey-- Wait, I guess I sort of am.  
  
Reporter: And in your second year?  
  
Harry: The second year was all messed up. I don't know what drugs Rowling was on when she wrote that book. The Chamber of Secrets opened, yeah, but other than that...she was way off.  
  
Reporter: So what really happened?  
  
Harry: Well, see, You-Know-Who wasn't really involved at all that time. It was really Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
Reporter: What??!  
  
Harry: Yeah. That's why she changed it. Something about 'dramatism' and 'propriety.' Whatever. I didn't really care, as long as I was the star.  
  
Ron: Harry! You are so, so, so... (he looks at Hermione) what's that word?  
  
Hermione: Conceited?  
  
Ron: Yeah!  
  
Reporter: But what about Riddle's diary?  
  
Harry: Oh, that. It was Hermione's.  
  
Hermione: I had charmed it to talk. I was going through tough times; I needed someone to talk to.  
  
Harry: When Rowling heard about it, she went all crazy, grabbed a pen, which she didn't notice was actually her dog, and started writing, muttering "gold, literary gold" or something like that.  
  
Reporter: And your third year?  
  
Harry: Oh boy...  
  
Ron: Well, actually, it's hard to describe. But, this is what I can figure happened. The whole Sirius thing was another one of Rowling's halucinations. He never actually existed. I mean, how farfetched was that? She just put him in to give the books a new spin. So yeah it's kind of hard. That was also when Harry---  
  
Harry (loudly): OK, so what was your next question?  
  
Reporter (who has given up trying to understand): Whatever. The fourth year?  
  
Harry (grins): That was a good book, wasn't it?  
  
Reporter (hopefully): So it was all true?  
  
Harry: I didn't say that. Actually, the fourth book was even crazier than the second. The Triwizard tournament happened, yeah, but I wasn't in it. And, more importantly, I NEVER LIKED CHO!!!  
  
Hermione: Yeah, he secretly liked Fleur too. He told me last year. Oops, I wasn't supposed to say that, right?  
  
Ron: WHAT? YOU LIKE HER TOO? SHE'S MINE! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? BRING IT!  
  
Harry (standing up): FINE! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE.  
  
(They both run outside. The reporter and Hermione make no move to stop them. They actually seem to be enjoying it.)  
  
Hermione: Ahh, we're finally alone.  
  
Reporter (slightly freaked out): Uhh, yeah. (Grins.) I guess we are.  
  
Hermione (moves close to him): Are you glad? I am. (Gets up and falls into his lap.)  
  
Cedric (who just happens to walk in at that precise moment): Hey, I just thought you should know that Harry and--woah. Am I interupting something here?  
  
Reporter (gives girlish scream): Oh my God! Cedric Diggory (Dumps Hermione to the floor.)  
  
Hermione (immediately jumps up and throws herself back onto the reporter): Yeah, so? He's alive still. Now come on! (Looks at Cedric.) Now, GO AWAY! We were busy.  
  
Reporter (dumps Hermione again and rushes over to shake Cedric's hand): Mr. Diggory! It's such an honor to meet you! I'm so glad you didn't really die! I was always a fan of you, Cedric--may I call you Cedric?  
  
Hermione (sobbing on the ground): Cedric! How could you? You're taking my lover away from me! How could you?  
  
(Harry and Ron reenter the room. Both are bleeding from several places. They look at Hermione and the whole scene in confusion.)  
  
Ron: Hermione? Are you okay?  
  
Hermione (throws herself on Ron now): No. (She pulls herself together) Yes, Ron, I'm ok now.  
  
(Suddenly Cedric begins to morph into...into...)  
  
Voldemort: Darn! My Polyjuice Potion wore out! Oh well. Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!  
  
  
  
AN: Everyone is now dead. We couldn't think of any other way to end it. Unfortunately, it may not be the end...  
  
Zephdae: We hope you enjoyed this fic. If you did (or if you didn't) click that little button down there and tell us. (If you flame, direct it to Loppy since anything bad is her fault.)  
  
Loppy: Yeah, but you're a loser. But anyway. Read our other story, Cooking With Lenore. It's strange, but funny. 


End file.
